Your Bikini Body

This is not a Bikini Interlude. It has a purpose beyond mere prurient pleasure. It’s a discussion – read as lecture; I’m nothing if not pedantic – of- and about any and every woman’s bikini body.

Ladies, Your Bikini Body

Yes, it’s April, so we here in the Northern Hemisphere are approaching bikini season. Hence, we’re soon to be inundated with ads for “quick fix” weight-loss programs / products and with you all fretting about your bodies and bikinis – or really, any bathing suits whatsoever.

This Could Be Your Bikini Body

Maybe you have a slim, slender, and/or tight body that fits the mold that our society says is suitable for a bikini. If so, break out that bikini and strap your body into it. Few, though not none, will complain.

If you came by that body of yours naturally, luck you. Enjoy it and the pleasure it brings. If you’ve worked hard and stressed yourself out to get it, accept both my congratulations and condolences. You’ve certainly earned the privilege to enjoy yourself.

Or This Could Be Your Bikini Body

Maybe your body is toned and muscular. Maybe you’re a true hardbodied babe. If so, you’ve either gotten your body to look like that through hard work, intense body sculpting, or some combination of two. Few, if any of note, are going to complain about you in a bikini. Go out and enjoy yourself and the attention you’re sure to garner.

Or This Could Be Your Bikini Body

Or maybe –most likely, probably – you’ve got a curvy, phat, soft body, one that doesn’t meet society’s rather nastily enforced esthetic standards when it comes to wearing a bikini. That’s all good too. Fuck society and the expectations and demands it’s fallen prey to.

If you want to rock that bikini, do so! The haters are always going to find a reason to hate and the rest of us, who are either the increasingly less silent majority or the largest plurality, will either approve or just not care.

Ask Yourself Why, Ladies

Ladies, you should ask yourself why exactly you want to wear a bikini in the first place. Being goal orient is, after all, almost always the best way to go into anything.

If you’re looking for a sexual partner and planning on wearing a bikini to help attract one, then you’re likely to succeed irrespective of whether your body its, tight, hard, or curvy and soft. Men are varied and rarely absolute in our tastes and I’m told that women, if that’s your thing, are even more extreme in this. You’re going to, in all likelihood, get what you’re looking for and have a choice in partners.

On the other hand, if you’re planning on wearing a bikini just for yourself because that’s the bathing suit you want to wear for the purposes of tanning, comfort, or whatever reason, then who cares? In this case, it’s all about you and the attraction for- or approval of others really shouldn’t matter at all.

Ladies, in this case it is your body, your bikini, and your choice. Don’t be afraid of making the wrong choice because there isn’t one.

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Lazy Fat Ugly Cows

In America, we’ve a far worse problem than politics. We’re crushed under an ever growing horde of lazy, fat, ugly cows. Really! This obesity epidemic has gotten out of hand, grown to unmanageable proportions as it were.

Truly, society needs to intervene and take drastic measures to end this problem. Whole generations of Americans are at risk of believing that curves, especially extreme curves, and full-fleshed bodies are normal and even healthy. That can’t be allowed to happen just to pander to people, especially women, who are too lazy not to be fat.

27 Lazy, Fat, Ugly Cows

Take a good look at the 27 women shown above. All of them are overweight, ranging from merely overweight to morbidly obese and they’re flaunting it as if they believe that people want to see there soft and curved bodies in lingerie and/or states of undress. Worse, these women are all professional erotic models, meaning that they’re actually getting paid to show off their thick bodies.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Bloody Hell Mary!

Bloody Marry Brunch - And I do mean the whole brunch right there in and on a glass
Bloody Hell Mary!

I think that just about everyone who knows me knows that I’m very much not a follower of the weight-loss and fashion cartels religion of “American Obesity” and that I have exactly zero issues with the normative American trend of large and luxurious meal servings. Still, some things that I find manage to strike even me oddly, as if some restaurants have chosen to attempt to prove that Reductio ad Absurdum isn’t a fallacy after all.

And yes, I also know that creative garnishes on Bloody Marys is a thing, a meme or trope even, and a way for venues to differentiate themselves from their competition. But let’s actually list what this particular Bloody Mary is “garnished” with:

  1. Lemon & Lime
  2. Celery
  3. Olives
  4. Cocktail Onions
  5. Pickled Jalapenos
  6. Shrimp
  7. Pepperjack Cheese
  8. Chicken Wings
  9. Bacon Strips
  10. Waffle Fries
  11. Sliders

This is most assuredly the drink that eats like a meal. ๐Ÿ˜‰ And indeed, it looks like a quite tasty and satisfying brunch, lunch, or after work snack. The only thing that makes me twitch – beyond the extremity of it – is that most Americans are conditioned to not “drink their meals” and would be compelled to order and eat a “normal” meal with it.

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A Healthier Illness

Sadly, the ages of indoctrination and brainwashing by the multibillion dollar fashion and weight-loss cartels have driven a large percentage of the women in the world insane.

Perhaps fortunately, society has shifted enough in recent years that some number of women’s body image pathologies are presenting themselves in different, probably healthier ways.
 

Certainly A Healthier Illness

 
Don’t be mistaken; the women fixated on having a lean, strong, muscly, body suffer from the same societally induced mental illness as the skeletons dipped in wax that are more commonly favored by fashion and weight-loss cartels. Their symptoms are just presenting in a better and less physically damaging manner.

These fitness-obsessed babes will, however, tend to exhibit many of the same problematic behaviors than their skinnier sisters do when it comes to diet and fretting over their shape. That the exact details of their symptoms very from the previous norm doesn’t really change the fact that they’re “messes in dresses.”

Now, don’t get me wrong; this is a healthier version of this particular illness. It’s most certainly, to my mind, a more esthetically pleasing presentation thereof. It’s still the same mental illness though.

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The Birth Of Suburbia

Nothing says that we’ve turned shabby chic into the neo-neo-classical like redoing Sandro Botticelli’s Nascita di Venere as the The Birth Of Suburbia. ๐Ÿ˜›

The Birth Of Suburbia
The Birth Of Suburbia

Of course, this redux of The Birth of Venus would, without a doubt, incense the intelligentsia and academics to fits of derision and scorn. They barely tolerate the efforts of their students, much less those of the groundlings of suburbia. Also, such a composition as this would need to be heavily retouched so as not to rouse the ire of the multi-billion dollar fashion and weight-loss cartels, the politicians that profiteer off them, and the countless deluded slaves to their whims.

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