Your Body + Your Bikini

As we’re coming up upon bikini season her in the Northern Hemisphere, and this will be the 1st time in far too long when people can go to the beach, I’ve decided to reiterate my advice about women’s bodies and bikinis.

Your Body Is A Bikini Body
All Women’s Bodies Are Bikini Bodies

I am, as are most people, that “society” has decreed that a Bikini Body is one that is considered attractive enough to be seen on a beach in a two-piece swimsuit. This same “society” has defined the requirements for “attractive enough” to be having: a thin waist, rounded-but-not-too-round butt, full-but-not-too-large breasts, long legs, and be slender overall but not “too muscular.” Also, your body should supposedly have no cellulite, no body hair, no stretch marks, and no blemishes.

Firstly, I do not know who this “society” is, since these rules don’t match and/or are far to restrictive and exclusive to represent what men find attractive in a woman’s body or who we want to see in a bikini. Secondly, fuck this so-called society!

Your Body + Your Bikini = A Hot Time At The Beach

Got A Classical Bikini Body? That’s A No-Brainer

Ladies, if you’ve got a body that matches or mostly matches the “accepted” Bikini Body, this is a no-brainer. Strap one one and hit the beach instead of obsessing over small “flaws” that nobody but you, some envy-based haters, and the incels are going to even notice.

Got A Muscled Hardbody? That’s Also Pretty Much A No-Brainer

So, you’ve worked hard and built yourself a well-muscled hardbody. This to is or should be a no-brainer. Strap yourself into a bikini had hit the beach. Because, let’s face it, the naysayers and gatekeepers demand that a Bikini Body shouldn’t be “too muscular” is utter and complete nonsense. The majority of us find your bodies quite attractive.

Got A Soft, Phat Body? Get Into A Bikini And Get To The Beach

OK, so, you’ve got a phat, soft body. So what? Those saying that you’ve no business wearing a bikini – or even being on a beach at all in some of their cases – have no more power or authority than you give them. Remember that your body is also called curvy, voluptuous, fertile, and/or sinful, and has been THE beauty standard for the majority of Man’s history. So, slide into a bikini and rock the beach! But be ready for at least a bit more attention than you’ve been conditioned to expect. 😉

Got A Flat-Chested Body? Get In A Bikini And Get To The Beach

Alright; you may or may be quite slender, but your concern is that you’ve small breasts. You even be essentially flat-chested. Just slide on an appropriately downsized bikini and enjoy the beach, because I really don’t understand the problem, though I accept that it somehow is one.

Got An Average Body? Slide On A Bikini And Hit The Beach

Finally, if you’re like the majority of women – one of what I estimate as 2.7 billion women across globe – with an “average” body, one that doesn’t fit the beauty magisterium’s stringent requirements or which fits into any of the above categories, buy a bikini if you don’t own one, put it on, and go to the beach. You are the norm. You are the expectation. All your supposed flaws do is make you seem more approachable and/or attainable.

~*~

In other, fewer words – far, far too few for a blog post – ignore the sorts who’ve mandated rules for wearing bikinis, wear one if you wish and go to the beach no matter which sort of body you have.

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Let Me Guess

Let Me Guess, The Rat Could Be You
Let Me Guess, The Rat Could Be You

Let me guess, like the rat in this cartoon, you’ve repurposed any exercise equipment you’ve purchased and moved on to less strenuous pursuits – like Netflix, Gaming, and the consumption of “comfort foods.” 😉 Hell! You probably did that months ago, but I didn’t bother chiding anyone about it in early February like I normally do because adjustments in expectations had to be made due to the economic, societal, and psychological malaise brought on by the panicdemic.

With All That’s Gone On, Inspiration Is Hard To Find

I do get it. With the extended lock-downs and closures of gyms across America, combined with many people’s lingering terror of being around other people, it’s been hard to find inspiration to get and/or keep fit. It’s not like we get the positive reinforcement of seeing fine fitness babes anymore.

But, it’s not all doom and gloom. The lack of motivation to exercise combined with the dramatic increase in home culinary practices has ushered in a new era in which hard is less “in” and soft is more so than it had been previously.

Soft Is The New Safe

So, once again it proves that COVID-19 and the panic that still surrounds it isn’t 100% bad. If nothing else, it has marked a decline in body shaming.

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The Wise Man Knows

The Wise Man Knows It's Right To Stand Behind Strong American Women
The Wise Man Knows

‘Tis very true! The wise man knows that it’s right to stand behind strong, American women. We also have no qualms about following female leaders.

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Hard Is Out, Soft Is In

Hard Is Out, Soft Is In

Life after quarantine has likely taken hardbodies away for the foreseeable future, but has ushered in the time of the curvy, softbodies. So, some good came of the coronavirus panic.

Face it, I’ve made a few points abundantly clear over the many years: I am not a dog; I am not a necromancer; and I feel many hardbodies are just presenting different, healthier symptoms of the same mental disease the fashion victims suffer from. So yeah! I’m more than happy that these are the days of curves and soft, feminine forms.

However, that being said, I’m a firm believer in diversity in beauty and I find little point in arguing matters of taste, especially when my own tastes are more guidelines than firm rules. Hence, I do miss the hardbodies and hope they make a quick comeback.

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Gone But Not Forgotten

Hardbodies – Gone But Not Forgotten And Certainly Missed

With the extended lock-downs, almost all gyms being forcibly closed, and the general stress of dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic and/or the panic and tyranny in response to it, life after the Coronavirus is going to look a bit softer. Hardbodied babes are most likely a beautiful joy of the past.

Ah well, the internet is close to forever, so hardbodies will still be available here virtually, which does fit in well with our new reality. 😛

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