Yeah, this is originally from The Babylon Bee, which is a satire site much in a similar vein to The Onion and Duffel Blog. It’s sadly believable though. The sorts running Hollywood are the sorts who would do something like stripping Schindler’s List of its Best Motion Picture award for not having enough LGBTQ+ characters, people of color, and other “oppressed groups.”
I’m sad, really sad, but I’m also pretty comfortable with everything.
In their satirical article, “Man Terrified To Realize He Could Easily Go On Like This” The Onion is more true than funny. Indeed! This is high scorn and social commentary barely couched in sarcasm and irony.
FARMINGTON, NM—Despite being deeply dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of his life, local man Paul Gallardo told reporters Thursday that he was terrified to realize he could very easily continue to exist in such an unhappy state and probably would do so indefinitely.
Gallardo, a part-time file clerk who is unmarried and has few meaningful relationships of any kind, stated that although his personal and professional circumstances were an ongoing source of distress, he feared they would never be sufficiently unbearable to compel him to remedy his situation. According to Gallardo, after more than four decades of living with his painful but entirely manageable loneliness, he was unlikely to ever improve himself, a fact he said has filled him with dread.
“I’ve always been miserable, but I guess I haven’t been quite miserable enough to do anything about it,” said Gallardo, 44, who added that while his daily life is consistently unpleasant, he has never felt the need to abuse alcohol or drugs to numb his emotional anguish. “I still go to my awful job, still pay my rent, still eat a whole frozen pizza pretty much every night. I hate every minute of it, but it’s not making me panic or reassess my life or anything. I kind of wish it did, though.”
“And that’s what’s so scary,” continued Gallardo. “I’m sad, really sad, but I’m also pretty comfortable with everything. God, I hate to say it, but I could see myself doing this for years.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is why we can’t have nice things. Clothed in the velvet glove of sarcasm or not, the iron-fisted truth of the matter is that this sums up the lives and attitudes of the majority of people in the Civilized World, especially those within America’s borders.
We have, as a whole, degenerated into a society of drones, comfortable in our malaise and complacent in our misery. We don’t ever truly consider helping ourselves and our sole exercise in helping other has been reduced to #hashtagerry.
To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, not even with a whimper, but a soft sigh of ennui.
There’s a dearth of honesty in marketing and, hence, the idea of marketing honesty itself is beyond the pale, too shocking to be considered by advertising firms or the corporations that hire them. That was until now…
This Is You…Weak, Scared, Alone, Always
Revlon (REV), one of the oldest and largest cosmetics firms in America, has chosen to change things up and try marketing honesty…brutal honesty.
The company’s “You Are What You Are” campaign, which debuted with dark and haunting multi-page spreads in several major fashion magazines, cautions consumers that, at best, makeup is a sad disguise people hide behind in a futile attempt to avoid uncomfortable facts about their true nature.
With our new ad campaign, we want to emphasize that you can buy all the lotions, powders, and fragrances you want, but you can’t escape who you really are: a fragile, flawed, and ultimately insignificant being who is tormented by fear and insecurity. It’s fine to use our products if they make you feel a little more attractive, but just remember it’s only a temporary distraction from the terrifying reality of your barren, unfulfilling life.
Your existence is a dismal and feeble one, and no amount of mascara is ever going to change that.
— Vivian Falk
Vice President of Marketing
Revlon’s new “You Are What You Are” campaign is a high-dollar gamble. It’s a bold and daring move that’s sure to shake up a lot people. It’ll be successful as well because, the more they tell the women who buy their products that they’re worthless, the more those women will flock to Revlon to buy cosmetics to hide behind.
BTW – If you didn’t already know and you couldn’t guess, this is a joke, albeit a cruel one. This is an excerpt with commentary of a recent “article” in The Onion.
As most know, politics makes for strange bedfellows, especially with the intersection of business interests and political careers. It’s often odd, commonly disgusting, but sometimes it’s downright self-destructive.
A Case in point would be Obama’s Energy Secretary Steven Chu’s chronic and apparently uncontrollable addiction to “Green” energy systems…
Oh, Christ, What The Hell Did I Do Last Night?
I swear he’s worse in some ways than Anthony Weiner. At least, to our knowledge, Weiner wasn’t paying for it and certainly wasn’t paying for it with our money.
WASHINGTON—Sources have reported that following a long night of carousing at a series of D.C. watering holes, Energy Secretary Steven Chu awoke Thursday morning to find himself sleeping next to a giant solar panel he had met the previous evening. “Oh, Christ, what the hell did I do last night?” Chu is said to have muttered to himself while clutching his aching head and grimacing at the partially blanketed 18-square-foot photovoltaic solar module whose manufacturer he was reportedly unable to recall.
We’re talking some serious coyote ugly here. The truly sad part is that we’re also talking about an odd and sad twist to the phrase, “Double Coyote Ugly,” since it’s anyone’s guess which one them would be more likely to want to gnaw their own limb off in order to escape that bed without waking the other. 😉
The Onion has been a source of humor and sarcasm for many years now. It’s also been a bane to many politicians and pundits when they mistook The Onion’s dry and oft-times totally deadpan wit for an actual news report.
Given the normal dryness of their send ups of news and current events, I can understand their mistaking the humor for fact.
A perfect example of this is The Onion’s sarcastic response to Ariel Castro being found hanging in his prison cell on Tuesday night.
Ariel Castro Failed By System
ORIENT, OH—In yet another glaring indication of the nation’s broken criminal justice system, Ohio correctional officers discovered the body of inmate Ariel Castro, a Cleveland man serving a life sentence on rape and kidnapping charges, hanging from his jail cell Tuesday night, prompting strong calls for action from reformers looking to correct America’s failed correctional policy. “What happened to Ariel Castro is symptomatic of a deeply flawed rehabilitation system that provides neither justice nor security, instead allowing countless men and women each year to fall through the cracks,” prison reform advocate John Wolahan told reporters, noting that Castro, who police say was left unattended for 30 minutes at a time by security personnel, was as much a victim of the prison’s negligence as he was of society as a whole. “In a legal system concerned with harsh sentencing and ultra-punitive approaches to justice, the well-being of people like Ariel Castro—those who have to live in the system we created—is treated as a mere afterthought. And I ask you: How many Ariel Castros have to suffer before we realize the machine is broken? His death is something we all have to live with.” Reformers added that the case was especially tragic because prison employees had reportedly seen warning signs from Castro for weeks and took no action.
Yes, this is sarcasm but is it also prophecy? Doesn’t it sound exactly like what one might expect any of the various enemies of law, order, and American judicial and penal systems could be expected to claim in the wake of a monster’s suicide in prison?
The true irony is that the article, intended as sarcastic humor, sounds exactly like what the Liberals and Progressives can be expected to say about Castro’s death. They, after all, don’t believe in punishing non-White Collar criminals and have nothing but hatred for America’s penal system and little but sympathy for creatures quarantined within it.