More True Than Funny

Gallardo says he is “deeply disturbed” that the thought of spending every Friday night streaming movies by himself in his apartment for the rest of his life does not sound all that bad to him.
I’m sad, really sad, but I’m also pretty comfortable with everything.

In their satirical article, “Man Terrified To Realize He Could Easily Go On Like ThisThe Onion is more true than funny. Indeed! This is high scorn and social commentary barely couched in sarcasm and irony.

FARMINGTON, NM—Despite being deeply dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of his life, local man Paul Gallardo told reporters Thursday that he was terrified to realize he could very easily continue to exist in such an unhappy state and probably would do so indefinitely.

Gallardo, a part-time file clerk who is unmarried and has few meaningful relationships of any kind, stated that although his personal and professional circumstances were an ongoing source of distress, he feared they would never be sufficiently unbearable to compel him to remedy his situation. According to Gallardo, after more than four decades of living with his painful but entirely manageable loneliness, he was unlikely to ever improve himself, a fact he said has filled him with dread.

“I’ve always been miserable, but I guess I haven’t been quite miserable enough to do anything about it,” said Gallardo, 44, who added that while his daily life is consistently unpleasant, he has never felt the need to abuse alcohol or drugs to numb his emotional anguish. “I still go to my awful job, still pay my rent, still eat a whole frozen pizza pretty much every night. I hate every minute of it, but it’s not making me panic or reassess my life or anything. I kind of wish it did, though.”

“And that’s what’s so scary,” continued Gallardo. “I’m sad, really sad, but I’m also pretty comfortable with everything. God, I hate to say it, but I could see myself doing this for years.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is why we can’t have nice things. Clothed in the velvet glove of sarcasm or not, the iron-fisted truth of the matter is that this sums up the lives and attitudes of the majority of people in the Civilized World, especially those within America’s borders.

We have, as a whole, degenerated into a society of drones, comfortable in our malaise and complacent in our misery. We don’t ever truly consider helping ourselves and our sole exercise in helping other has been reduced to #hashtagerry.

To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, not even with a whimper, but a soft sigh of ennui.

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4 Responses to “More True Than Funny”

  1. Buffet Says:

    Drones is right brother. What ol’ boy needs to do is get off his fat ass – and GET IN THE GYM!

    P.S. What in blue blazes is “number hashtagerry”?

  2. jonolan Says:

    That’s “#hashtagerry” as in twitter hashtag campains rendered as a hashtag.

  3. Buffet Says:

    HUNH??? Please forgive me. I’m just a mere pedestrian (subtle Stooge reference).

  4. jonolan Says:

    Do you know what twitter is? hashtags are ways of tagging / categorizing posts on twitter.

    Think of Moochelle’s lamentable #bringbackourgirls photo.

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