Tiger Woods’ Divorce

Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel - This was surprising?As far too many people know and, for reasons that defy logic, seem to care, Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have divorced after the world found out that Tiger had cheated on her with a laundry list of men and women.

Apparently Elin Nordegren had a problem with being married to a serial pervert.

Of course, one of society’s biggest “concerns” was what the divorce settlement would be. So far there are no firm details about how much Tiger is actually going to end up paying for the skanks, whores, and “male escorts” he frequented for years, but some rumors are available.

From the Onion Sports Network:

Former super-couple Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are making it official with one of the highest-profile divorces in sports. Here’s how it will work:

  • Couple will evenly split 8-foot-tall pile of money in the spare bedroom
  • Joint custody of the caddy
  • Woods required to hire cleaning company to remove skank juice from living room carpeting
  • Elin is entitled to half of Tiger’s collection of strap-ons, double dildos, leather handcuffs, feather ticklers, nipple clamps, vibrating cock rings, pleasure wands, Fleshlights, anal plugs, cock slings, and Rim Raiders
  • Tiger Woods will keep all of the $178 million in cash he stashed in an offshore account in anticipation of just this sort of thing
  • Couple will have shared custody of the children, with Woods seeing them every other decade
  • Tiger gets the couple’s Ford Festiva
  • Elin is now the face of Gillette Mach 3 razors

I really don’t have any sympathy for Elin Nordegren though; she had to know that this sort of behavior by Tiger was unavoidable. The brutha golfed! A Hole in One was bound to turn into “a hole in dat one, and dat one, and dat one … Damn! I gots to get me into all of ’em holes.” 😛

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6 Responses to “Tiger Woods’ Divorce”

  1. Gary Biehl Says:

    why the hell did he get married for in the first place?and where was the prenump?

  2. jonolan Says:

    Well, truth be told and humor set aside, people get married for a plethora of reasons, most of which a bad. I can’t see where Tiger would be different than anyone else in that particular regard.

  3. Paradigm Says:

    Is that Elin? I thought she was blond. But I don’t blame her. Most people seem to think he was a great guy. Being good at sports usually translates to being good in every other way in most peoples thinking (for lack of better word).

  4. jonolan Says:

    No; that’s Rachel Uchitel, Tiger’s highest profile sexmate.

  5. Alan Scott Says:


    I do not begrudge Elin for the divorce or even taking Tiger for every cent she can. I only wonder why she is not in jail for assault. If the original account of her chasing Tiger’s car with a Golf Club when he crashed is true. If she were a ‘man’, it would not matter whether she had right on her side or not.

  6. jonolan Says:

    It happened in FL, Alan. The DA’s offices in FL have always been reluctant to press charges in domestic altercations w/o a complaining witness irrespective of the gender of the aggressor. I think Tiger’s refusal to cooperate or press charges himself had more to do with Elin’s continued freedom than anything else.

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