Courtroom Disorder

Judge's Gavel on American FlagMany people over the decades have lamented and bemoaned the consistently poor performance of America’s court proceedings, both civil and tort. Questions are constantly asked as to why our nation’s court system seems unable to deliver consistent good, well-reasoned, and just verdicts.

I think much of the problem is the gross stupidity of those people, especially the lawyers, involved in the American courts.

In furtherance of my case I present into evidence the following excerpts from various court proceedings:

ATTORNEY:What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY:And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY:What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY:Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY:This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY:And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:I forget…
ATTORNEY:You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY:Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:We both do.
WITNESS:Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY:Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY:The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:He’s 20 , much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY:Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:Are you shitting me?


ATTORNEY:So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY:And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:Getting laid.


ATTORNEY:She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY:How many were boys?
ATTORNEY:Were there any girls?
WITNESS:Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY:How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:By death.
ATTORNEY:And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:Take a guess.


ATTORNEY:Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.


ATTORNEY:Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY:Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY:ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?


ATTORNEY:Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY:Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:Are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY:Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY:Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY:So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY:How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Sadly, we as a nation will receive exactly the court system that we deserve. If, by our gross stupidity, we stock it with fools we will assuredly reap and rue the harvest of such. 😉

NOTE: While the quotes above are pure humor and no more than that, even the book they were purported to be from, Disorder In The American Courts being a hoax, they do all seem so plausible, don’t they?

Given the long-running popularity of court proceedings as day-time reality TV ala Judge Judy or The People’s Court, and the inanity, ignorance, and gross stupidity regularly shown upon those programs, I suppose this is to be expected.

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Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Vulture It should really come as no surprise to any American that lawyers are the subject of a rich and pithy genre of humor. Truly, anyone in a profession that is considered less honest and ethical than car salesmen must be expected to be the butt of a plethora of jokes.

Frankly, as a common profession, I can think of few groups more deserving of being criticized and lampooned. They, more so than anyone else – including the interrogators at GitMo – make a living off of other people’s misery.

Here’s a small and relatively kind sampling of the genre:

Question: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
Answer: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Answer: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
Answer: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
Answer: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Question: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
Answer: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

Question: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Answer: Not enough sand.

Question: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Answer: Skeet.

Question: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
Answer: His partners.

Question: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
Answer: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Question: What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Answer: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

Here’s a lot more lawyer jokes – President Obama and 203 members of Congress. If one adds in the FLOTUS and the various attorneys serving in the Executive such as the Secretary of State, Deputy Secretary of Labor, Secretary of the Interior, Deputy Secretary of the Treasury, and the Deputy Secretary of Health and Human Service, the delectatio morosa stretches even farther.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

— Mark Twain
Following the Equator

Sadly the joke, cruel and cutting as it is, is upon we, the People for we are the ones who played it upon ourselves by electing members of a profession who are near iconic for their torpor of conscience and moral flexibility to positions of authority.

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