Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Vulture It should really come as no surprise to any American that lawyers are the subject of a rich and pithy genre of humor. Truly, anyone in a profession that is considered less honest and ethical than car salesmen must be expected to be the butt of a plethora of jokes.

Frankly, as a common profession, I can think of few groups more deserving of being criticized and lampooned. They, more so than anyone else – including the interrogators at GitMo – make a living off of other people’s misery.

Here’s a small and relatively kind sampling of the genre:

Question: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
Answer: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Answer: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
Answer: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
Answer: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Question: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
Answer: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

Question: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Answer: Not enough sand.

Question: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Answer: Skeet.

Question: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
Answer: His partners.

Question: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
Answer: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Question: What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Answer: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

Here’s a lot more lawyer jokes – President Obama and 203 members of Congress. If one adds in the FLOTUS and the various attorneys serving in the Executive such as the Secretary of State, Deputy Secretary of Labor, Secretary of the Interior, Deputy Secretary of the Treasury, and the Deputy Secretary of Health and Human Service, the delectatio morosa stretches even farther.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

— Mark Twain
Following the Equator

Sadly the joke, cruel and cutting as it is, is upon we, the People for we are the ones who played it upon ourselves by electing members of a profession who are near iconic for their torpor of conscience and moral flexibility to positions of authority.

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4 Responses to “Lawyer Jokes”

  1. ichabod Says:

    Hi jonolan;

    I thought some of them were funny. 🙂

    However your last paragraph is not lost on me and I wonder how many Americans question the their candidate’s qualifications for running a country.

    The government has its fingers spread everywhere, from NASA, to Military to health care to foreign relations and so on.

    Most of the the politicians have degrees…. in law.

    That is why we have so many damn laws that are sometimes vague and difficult to understand. By my calculations, if all the local, state and federal laws in existence were printed on letter size paper, they would fill the back of a pick up truck. Then they say ignorance of the law is no excuse. 🙂

  2. jonolan Says:

    You’re a bit off the mark, ichabod. Federal laws alone fill somewhat over 75,000 pages. That would make a stack that is 12 cubic feet in volume and weighs slightly over 3000 lbs (1.5 tons).

    You’d need a pretty big commercial-grade pickup to haul 1.5 tons around in its bed. And remember, that’s just the federal laws.

    I’d guess that you’d need to multiply those figures by at least 100 to include the state and local laws as well.

  3. Paradigm Says:

    Maybe you should reform your legal system. I read somewhere that the majority of the world’s lawyers work in America, catering to 4 percent of the world population. It can’t be good to have that many leechers.

  4. jonolan Says:


    Yes, we should reform our legal system. Sadly, that would take a civil war since it couldn’t be done “within the law.” No lawyer, judge (former lawyer), or politician would allow it.

    Still, The Day They Hanged The Lawyers would make a great national holiday! It be like combining Independence Day with Britain’s Guy Fawkes Day. 😉

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