Lifesavers In School

LifesaversOnce upon a time in America, not truly too long ago, candy and other snacks weren’t forbidden in our schools. Indeed, not only were students allowed to bring such dangerous contraband to school, teachers often handed such obesity-causing agents to their pupils.

Sometimes teachers even incorporated the now-forbidden treats into their lesson plans.

This, upon occasion, caused problems that even the FLOTUS’ food police couldn’t have expected…

A kindergarten teacher chose to use Lifesavers as a teaching tool to instruct her young charges in the various flavors of fruit available to them, the color coding of the original five-flavors of the candies being considered standardized and effective.

She handed out the candies to your students and the quickly began to identify the flavors by the colors of the individual candies.

  • Red = Cherry
  • Yellow = Lemon
  • Green = Lime
  • Orange = Orange

Note: Off-white / Pineapple was determined not to be age-appropriate and was forcibly removed from the teacher’s lesson plan under the direction of the federal government.

Then the teacher handed them honey-flavored Lifesavers. None of the students could successfully identify the flavor.

The teacher said, “I’ll give you all a little clue. It’s what your mother sometimes calls your father.”

One little girl’s eyes widened in horror and she spit the candy out of her mouth, exclaiming, “Oh my God! They’re assholes!”

The teacher had to leave the room at that point.

And please! Before any of the slightly younger and more properly educated readers start complaining, remember that this is an old joke. Back then the unenlightened school teachers were not properly chastened for using such horribly gendered and heteronormative prejudicial and bigoted terms such as “Mother” and “Father.”

And again, please! This is an old joke. The child in question wasn’t removed from the class and her parents’ weren’t brought up on charges for her wildly inappropriate and Christofascist violation of the Separation of Church and State by mentioning God on public property.

Just enjoy the joke as you can. Humor can, after all, be a lifesaver. 😉

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