Canadian Border Woes

Who would have thought that Canada was having a problem with illegal immigrants? Canada was supposed to be intrinsically immune to this problem by reason of only sharing a land border with America.

But the world has changed and Canada is now facing a problem similar in form, if not in the nature of the posed threat, to that which America has faced for many long years.

It seems that, in the wake of the 2010 Elections and the shift of America back to its core values and cultural mores, Liberals and Progressives are “wetbacking” across the border into Canada seeking the Statist, Neo-Socialist utopia that has been denied them by the patriots in the Unites States.

Canadians: “Build a Damn Fence!”

From The Manitoba Herald , Canada ; “Reported” by Clive Runnels

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield , whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn’t give any milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.” A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age.” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them.” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”

Certainly Canada’s border woes aren’t as immediately threatening as what America faces, but it’s still a problem. The increased crowds and lines at Tim Hortons – or worse, Starbucks using these illegal Liberal immigrants as a beach head – alone is a problem that few Canadians are ready to face with equanimity. 😉

Canadians Have Reason To Fear

Canada’s A Beautiful Country; They’d Like To Keep It That Way

On the bright side, these are Leftists, various Liberals and Progressives, which are fleeing America. That can only be a good thing for the American people. On the other hand though, Canada is an ally – most of the time – and it behooves us to police our own and help stem this influx of parasites into our sister nation.

Of course, perhaps America and Canada could team up and solve for two questions with a single answer. We could round up these Liberals and send them to Quebec! 😆


As pleasant for Americans as the thought of the Leftists fleeing in droves across our northern borders might be, this is purely a fantasy based upon an odd “article” that went viral across the internet.

Sadly, there are no large numbers of Liberals and Progressives fleeing from the revitalized United States.

The Manitoba Herald, while a real daily newspaper, was only published from January 11 – August 2, 1877; the supposed author of the article, Clive Runnels simply doesn’t exist; and the Manitoba farmer, Red Greenfield is likely a riff on the Canadian comic character, Red Green created by long time comedian, Steve Smith Jr. and his Morag.

NOTE: By way of irony and in the spirit of full disclosure, let me say that one of my wives, Kitsa is something akin to an arts-history major. She’s currently working on a postgraduate degree and certification in fiber-arts restoration, conservation, and curation.

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One Response to “Canadian Border Woes”

  1. Gary Biehl Says:

    Im ready to escape to Canada.