Brand Protection

Posted in Food & Drink, Humor, Politics on June 17th, 2011

Oscar Mayer LogoKraft Foods, Inc., in response to the continuing backlash caused by the online sexual deviance of ex-Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has decided to distance their subsidiary, Oscar Mayer’s brand from the New York pervert. They have quietly and unceremoniously dropped the word “wiener” from all their hotdog advertisements in favor of “sausage.”

Kraft hopes to keep their Oscar Mayer brand and its trademark jingle from being associated with the neo-adultery and ludicrous mendacity of the disgraced ex-Congressman.

Thanks to one sleazy, pathetic, adulterous politician, the word wiener has been stained to the point that we can’t associate with it anymore,” said Kraft spokesperson, Beau Lonie. “Now all you hear is ‘Weiner sucks’ or ‘that Weiner is disgusting,’ or other even more off-color jokes about it, and that’s not in line with Oscar Mayer products which are, and always have been, a children’s favorite.

We must think of those children and disassociate our brand from this sort of prurience.

Oscar Mayer and Kraft foods are just fortunate that ‘sausage’ scans the same as ‘wiener’ and will not require us to change our hot dog’s famous jingle, which has delighted Americans for 46 years, beyond this simple word substitution.

Rumor has it that the processed food giant is consulting with attorneys to see if they can sue Anthony Weiner for damages. This is based upon the fact that his surname is more correctly pronounced “Whiner” based upon its Germanic roots and spelling, yet he consistently chose to pronounce it as “Wiener.”

Rumor has it that Sabrett, Hebrew National, and Nathan’s, all closely linked with Weiner’s ex-constituency in Brooklyn and Queens, are also considering various brand saving and legal actions but are waiting upon advisement by the ADL before proceeding.

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