Conservative v. Liberal

Below are nine points of comparison between Conservatives and Liberals in modern America. The nine points give a broad view of the differences in outlook between Conservatives and Liberals.

  • If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
  • If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he feels that no one should have one.


  • If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
  • If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.


  • If a Conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
  • If a Liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.


  • If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
  • If a Liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.


  • If a Black or Hispanic is Conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
  • If a Black or Hispanic is Liberal, they see themselves as victims in need of government protection.


  • If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
  • If a Liberal is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.


  • If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
  • If a Liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that those they don’t like be shut down.


  • If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
  • If a Liberal is non-believer, he wants any mention of God or religion silenced.


  • If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
  • If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

Yes, these comparisons are sarcastic and funny – at least to some people – they’re also disturbingly true.  It largely stems from Conservatives adhering to the American principles of self-determinism and personal responsibility while the Liberals adhere to the ideologies of Statism and Collectivism.

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10 Responses to “Conservative v. Liberal”

  1. zhann Says:

    It seems like what you wanted to do was compare conservatives (little ‘c’) to Liberals … because otherwise, big ‘C’ would be substantially different …

    #1 – Conservatives Love guns, and will shoot anyone that thinks otherwise

    #2 – Conservative Vegetarian? Conservatives not only hunt their dinner, but often shoot their friends if they step out of line during the hunt.

    #3 – The Conservatives solution to foreign threats is simple, all countries outside the USA should be either parking lots or US military installations.

    #4 – Conservatives love homosexuals … as they drag behind their pickup truck.

    #5 – … …

    you get the idea 😉

  2. jonolan Says:

    Good counterpoint, Zhann. Now make the Liberal versions to go with them, unless you think the originals were good enough…

    I especially like the Conservative vegetarian one since I’ve only ever met one and he was vegetarian for purely medical reasons.

  3. zhann Says:

    For all intents and purposes, your list is more than sufficient. When looking at the extremes of either side you will find some crazies … well, a lot of crazies. I prefer the more moderate approach. If we could get rid of the most extreme 1% of each group, the USA would be a much nicer place to live in.

  4. jonolan Says:

    Sadly, zhann, getting rid of the extremes would be even worse for America. It’s those extremes that motivate the rest of the herd. Remember that most of those moderates are moderate due to apathy and sloth, not due to conviction in a middle path.

    We have the greatest opportunity the world has ever seen, as long as we remain honest — which will be as long as we can keep the attention of our people alive. If they once become inattentive to public affairs, you and I, and Congress and Assemblies, judges and governors would all become wolves.

    — Thomas Jefferson

    Without the extreme end of the spectrum forcing issues to the forefront of the American consciousness, the politicians would just do as they wish and run like wolves amid the sheep.

  5. Gordon Says:

    I’ve always wondered why American Conservatives weren’t ashamed of themselves. I’m still wondering.

    Even your self congratulatory positive spin conservative is a selfish ass who doesnt care about anyone but himself. I’m sure it seems worse than it is but…

    scary stuff

  6. jonolan Says:


    I’d like to say that I;m equally confused as to why Liberals weren’t ashamed of themselves but I recognize them as the foreigners within America that they are.

    No matter what spin you put upon it, a Liberal is a creature without self-worth or self-respect who believes they are owed a lifestyle by society. I’m sure it seems worse than it is but…

    Sickening stuff.

  7. Ken Anderson Says:

    If a Liberal doesn’t like abortion, she doesn’t have one.
    If a Conservative doesn’t like abortion, he feels that no one should have one.

    If a Liberal is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church
    Conservatives are all believers and are working hard to impose their morality on others. Conservatives like Sarah Palin pal around with Dominionists who want to go one step further and abolish the constitution and impose a theocracy on the rest of us.

    If a Liberal doesn’t agree with the policies of the current president, he joins a political group to get his candidate elected the next time.

    If a Conservative doesn’t agree with the policies of the current president, he calls for a military coup to deal with the “Obama problem”

    All of your comparisons are bogus and as you can see easily reversible; all I have to do is find some small portion of the conservative movement with crackpot ideas and generalize and claim that its true of all of them.

    You need to move beyond such simplisitc thinking and acknowledge that the world is a complex place. For any given person, you will have similarities and differences and if you spend your life focusing on the differences and generalizing them inappropriately you won’t spend any time enjoying the similarities.

    Also, you need to move beyond the “I’m a conservative and therefore all conservatives are good.” way of thinking. You need to be open to the possibility that there will be members of your own group that have serious problems and should be rebuked (and likewise for any group you can name).

    Best of luck,


  8. jonolan Says:


    Actually and factually, none of my comparisons were “bogus.” That’s what gives their humor its attractions and what drive people like yourself to complain about them. They do, as zhann pointed out earlier, only really hold true to the Liberals as opposed to just the “liberally minded.”

    Your counterpoints were equally valid – or invalid – within that scope, especially the abortion one.

  9. Hankster Says:

    I like the fact how the “Liberals” who responded here immidiately go into demonize and attack mode!! A common tactic you see those in the media, Congress and where ever use! Why?? Because to do a head to head debate on ISSUES is too hard??? To explain your points in a way that MAKE SENSE isn’t possible??? So put the focus on someone else?? So….All of us are violent gun crazed nuts???…we want to impose religion on everyone etc etc…. you have no CLUE what you are talking about!! NONE!! I AM A DEVOUT CONSERVATIVE!! ok?????
    I have no desire to ram religion down your throat…. I’d just as soon everyone kept thier traps SHUT and got off everyone’s backs about it!! However, I don’t think that freedom to NOT belive means no one else can say they do, do you?? You want to say a prayer, go for it. Don’t want to?? Don’t. I don’t care. But, the rights of one person do NOT trump the rights of others… I.E. You can’t BAN Joe from saing a prayer before a football game, but if you don’t want to particiapate, you don’t have to. everyone gets his way, everyone got treated equal…..
    Guns?? Yep, I have a few… killed untold hundreds of cans,paper targets, and a few squirells and deer. And yep, we ate em. I do not kill for “fun”…. I kill for sport and the food it provides. I live in the country, and have turkeys in my yard, can pop one from my window if I wanted to. I buy mine at the store, the REAL ones are kind of pets… have no desire to shoot one. Squirells near the house eat very well, yard pets too.Yep, I’m a rabid violent sort aren’t I….LOL!
    Call for a military Coup??? Yeah right…..
    Abortion??? None of my business… Roe v. Wade is law…. at that’s it as far a real Conservative should go…. don’t like it?? Don’t have one!! You are confusing “religious zealots” who are “republicans” with “Conservatives”…. apples and oranges to the REAL ones out here…. And, we HATE those “single issue ” voters…. the ones who would “shun” a perfectly good candidate for an office, who on thier “pet issue” might not see it thier way, but is good on 99% of other issues…..these FOOLS have done more to HARM conservatism than “liberals” do!!!

  10. jonolan Says:

    Mostly I agree with you, Hankster. I have to dissent on the abortion issue though.

    Roe v. Wade may well be the law at the present time. There’s no reason to keep it so though, anymore than there was a compelling reason to keep slavery legal.

    I do agree though that Americans need to learn to vote against what is worse even when the choices aren’t perfect. We probably wouldn’t be stuck with Obama if the Values Voters would have come to the polls to vote against him rather than staying home because they didn’t like McCain either.

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