You Might Be Taliban If…

In the US we don’t talk that much about our ongoing efforts against the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Our media has spent years concentrating on defining our efforts in Iraq as unmitigated failures instead. I find this sad on many levels; putting patriotism, journalistic ethics, and morality aside – as our media has done – there’s still the incredible source of humor that is being overlooked.

So – to help correct society’s gross oversight in the matter:

You Might Be Taliban If…

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a  $15,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You’ve ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.

You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.

You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

You get really excited by the idea of a goat beauty pageant.

You’ve ever been asked, “Does this burka make my ass look fat?”

You think “The Kite Runner” is the funniest book you ever read.

You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”

You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You believe rape is a crime punishable by death – for the victim.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

You’ve ever executed a goat for being sexually provocative.

You think homosexuals should be killed but see nothing wrong with molesting boys under 11 years of age.

You think there is nothing wrong with forcing 9 year old girls into marriage with 50 year old men.

Come on, people. Terrorism relies on terror in order to be even marginally successful. You defeat things like Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and Hamas by ridiculing them and laughing at them. Then shoot them, strip their corpses naked, and leave them unshriven on the ground for the vultures and jackals to feast upon. But the ridicule and laughing should come first. 😉

Related Reading:

Islamist Terrorism in Europe: A History
The Best Joke Book (Period): Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Mushrooms (National Audubon Society Field Guides)
HUMOR: THE WORLD NEEDS LAUGHTER NOW MORE THAN EVER

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4 Responses to “You Might Be Taliban If…”

  1. Drug Testing Says:

    Great post!! A culture that, quite frankly, is as ridiculous as you’ve shown it should not give our fellow Americans a cause for panic, once you stop being scared of them, then we’ve begun to win. If laughter does it, go for it

  2. gnomestrath Says:

    Bloody hell thats funny. You’re a genius

  3. jonolan Says:

    Thank you, gnomestrath. They’re not my own creations though. I just compiled them from smaller groups of the jokes I managed to find on line.

  4. gnomestrath Says:

    I had to explain rubbing one out to one of my sons – its not a commonly used term in the UK!!!!

    He’s 17 so he got it quick

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