Kraft hopes to keep their Oscar Mayer brand and its trademark jingle from being associated with the neo-adultery and ludicrous mendacity of the disgraced ex-Congressman.

Thanks to one sleazy, pathetic, adulterous politician, the word wiener has been stained to the point that we can’t associate with it anymore,” said Kraft spokesperson, Beau Lonie. “Now all you hear is ‘Weiner sucks’ or ‘that Weiner is disgusting,’ or other even more off-color jokes about it, and that’s not in line with Oscar Mayer products which are, and always have been, a children’s favorite.

We must think of those children and disassociate our brand from this sort of prurience.

Oscar Mayer and Kraft foods are just fortunate that ‘sausage’ scans the same as ‘wiener’ and will not require us to change our hot dog’s famous jingle, which has delighted Americans for 46 years, beyond this simple word substitution.

Rumor has it that the processed food giant is consulting with attorneys to see if they can sue Anthony Weiner for damages. This is based upon the fact that his surname is more correctly pronounced “Whiner” based upon its Germanic roots and spelling, yet he consistently chose to pronounce it as “Wiener.”

Rumor has it that Sabrett, Hebrew National, and Nathan’s, all closely linked with Weiner’s ex-constituency in Brooklyn and Queens, are also considering various brand saving and legal actions but are waiting upon advisement by the ADL before proceeding.

What seems to come as a jarring shock to many people is that, not only is Dan Halloran a Heathen – his sect prefers that term over Pagan – he’s a Republican.  Mr. Halloran dispelled the entwined myths that Pagans are Liberals and that the GOP is a Christian party.

Halloran won a decisive 52.5 – 47.5% victory over his Democrat opponent, Kevin Kim, in a bitter election struggle in which Kim, his Asian constituents, and the NY Democrat party used every dirty political trick in the book to defeat him.

Chief among these tactics was, of course, to use Halloran’s religion against him. They tried to both scare the Catholics and to paint Théodism, a Norse-based folkway, as a White Supremacist, Neo-Nazi cult to scare the non-Whites.

In the end the campaign of fear, prejudice, and religious intolerance waged by Kevin Kim and the Democrats failed. Not even allegedly busing in voters from out of the district and possibly out of state was sufficient to secure the 19th District’s NY City Council seat for Kim.

And so it came to pass that the borough of Queens, of all the unexpected places, was the first place in US History to elect an openly Pagan or Heathen public official.

Now the Pagan community is being forced to reassess who it’s members are, since they’ve been axe slapped with a fact that they had largely heretofore refused to see – that we’re not all, or even mostly, Liberals and/or Democrats. And now the people of America are going to have to reassess just who makes up the GOP and the Conservative movement; it’s not just the Christian Right and never has been just them.